“I want to stop, I hate my life and I promise this will be the last time”. Anyone who’s been involved with an addict has heard this cry. The pain of watching their friends and loved one’s desperate efforts to escape the grip of physical and emotional dependence is overwhelming. While there is a plethora of new evidence for causes and treatment for addiction, there is much less attention focused on managing the stress and despair of family and friends. There are common themes in the relationships between the caring and the cared for.
Feeling caught in the why
Why don’t they care?
Why can’t they see what they’re doing to themselves? Why don’t they just get help?
Feeling caught in the why keeps us in the past and prevents our ability to find functional response right now.
The primary experience of the addict is discomfort and the fear of pain. Seeking relief is a singular goal that no words of love will quell. Powerlessness is at the heart of every addiction and can create destructive behavior for both the caring and cared for. The fear that every solution will cause more pain often prevents an addict from taking the next step and reinforces the cycle of addiction. This difficult cycle is amplified by the sense of shame that comes with fearing that I am weaker than the rest.
The mythical power of anger
Anger can feel like the only force that will overcome sense impending doom that is a the hallmark of opiate addiction. It gives the illusion of strength, where we have typically felt weak. Anger says no matter how big and scary you appear, I will take you down. When has that disposition encouraged anyone to willingly comply? The looming threat of the worst case scenario seeks resolution and provokes louder, more intense “more of the same”. Anger is scary and pushes people away when they feel vulnerable, ashamed and crave closeness.
The opposite of anger
Compassion is the only choice. We often become over focused on the behavior of an addict as if it were a weapon they are consciously aiming at us and themselves. We all have memories of the strength we gained from someone speaking to the soul crushing pain we were feeling in a difficult situation, and how that changed our path. If it’s hard to imagine that your loved one has experienced the kind of pain that would hold them in addiction, then that is your challenge. Compassion says I can feel the agony of your inner struggle and understand how it weakens you. Standing in the place where we are resonant with the pain of our loved one’s, creates warmth, healing and hope, where once there was only fear and anger.